The death of a child is the most devastating loss. You mourn the loss of his or her life, potential and future. Your life is forever changed. But it's not over. You can get through the grief and come out the other side. Read on for some tips that can help.
Embrace all of your feelings and emotions. You're entitled to whatever feelings come up. You may experience intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow and fear, all of which are normal for a bereaved parent. Nothing is off the table, nothing is "wrong." If the urge to cry comes up, just do it. Give yourself permission to feel. Keeping your emotions bottled up is just way too hard. If you keep your emotions inside, you'll only make yourself feel worse about the saddest thing you have ever experienced. It's perfectly natural and even healthy to let yourself feel everything you can about this loss, because this will put you on the path to accepting it. You won't ever fully be able to get over it, but you'll be able to build the strength to deal with the death of your child. If you don't embrace your feelings, you won't be able to move forward.
There is no timetable to your grieving process. Every individual is just that: an individual. Bereaved parents may experience many of the same emotions and difficulties; however, each parent's journey is different depending on personality and life circumstances.
For years, we relied on the popular notion that people progress through five stages of grief that begin with denial and end with acceptance. The new thinking is that there is no series of steps to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a "grab bag" of feelings and symptoms that come and go and eventually lift. In a recent research study, scientists learned that many people accept the death of a loved one right from the beginning and report more yearning for the lost individual than feelings of anger or depression. [1]
Because the grieving process is so personal to each individual, couples sometimes find themselves at odds because they can't understand the other's way of dealing with the loss. Understand that your spouse may have different coping mechanisms than you do and allow him or her to grieve in the way that suits them.
During the grieving process, many people will experience a state of numbness. In this state, the world may seem like a dream or seem to go on separate from them. People and things that once brought happiness evoke nothing at all. This state could pass quickly or linger for a while; it's the body's way of offering protection from overwhelming emotions. With time, feelings and connections will return.
For many, the numbness begins to wear off after the first anniversary of your child's death, and then true reality can hit very hard. Many parents say that the second year is the most difficult.
Some parents find the thought of returning to work unbearable while others prefer to throw themselves into the daily activity and challenges that work offers. Find out what the bereavement policy is at your workplace before making your decision. Some companies also offer employees paid personal days or the opportunity to take an unpaid leave.
Don't allow fear of letting your company down force you to return to work before you're ready. According to the executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, companies lose about $225 billion a year due to reduced productivity as an after-effect of grief. "When someone we love dies, we lose the ability to concentrate or focus," Friedman said. "Your brain doesn't work right when your heart is broken."[2]
If you find comfort in the beliefs, teachings and rituals of your faith, turn to them now to aid in your grief recovery. Know, too, that the loss of your child may damage your religious beliefs, and that's ok. In time, you may find that you're able to return to faith; either way, if you have been a person of faith, believe that God is big enough to handle your anger, rage and sorrow.
Wait at least one year before making any major decisions. Don't sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted, and you can clearly see the options available to you.
Be careful of impulsive decision-making in daily life. Some people adopt a "Life is short" philosophy that propels them to take unnecessary risks in the pursuit of living their lives to the fullest. Monitor your behavior to be sure you're not engaging in potentially harmful activities.
The phrase "Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time. Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good ones, but at some point that will begin to change, and you'll come to cherish those memories. They'll bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. Grief is similar to a roller coaster or the ocean's tide.
Know that it's ok to take time off from grieving--to smile, laugh and enjoy life. This does not mean you're forgetting your child; that would be impossible.
The death of a child is the most devastating loss. You mourn the loss of his or her life, potential and future. Your life is forever changed. But it's not over. You can get through the grief and come out the other side. Read on for some tips that can help.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace all of your feelings and emotions.
ReplyDeleteYou're entitled to whatever feelings come up. You may experience intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow and fear, all of which are normal for a bereaved parent. Nothing is off the table, nothing is "wrong." If the urge to cry comes up, just do it. Give yourself permission to feel. Keeping your emotions bottled up is just way too hard. If you keep your emotions inside, you'll only make yourself feel worse about the saddest thing you have ever experienced. It's perfectly natural and even healthy to let yourself feel everything you can about this loss, because this will put you on the path to accepting it. You won't ever fully be able to get over it, but you'll be able to build the strength to deal with the death of your child. If you don't embrace your feelings, you won't be able to move forward.
Throw out the timetable.
ReplyDeleteThere is no timetable to your grieving process. Every individual is just that: an individual. Bereaved parents may experience many of the same emotions and difficulties; however, each parent's journey is different depending on personality and life circumstances.
For years, we relied on the popular notion that people progress through five stages of grief that begin with denial and end with acceptance. The new thinking is that there is no series of steps to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a "grab bag" of feelings and symptoms that come and go and eventually lift. In a recent research study, scientists learned that many people accept the death of a loved one right from the beginning and report more yearning for the lost individual than feelings of anger or depression. [1]
Because the grieving process is so personal to each individual, couples sometimes find themselves at odds because they can't understand the other's way of dealing with the loss. Understand that your spouse may have different coping mechanisms than you do and allow him or her to grieve in the way that suits them.
Don't worry about numbness.
ReplyDeleteDuring the grieving process, many people will experience a state of numbness. In this state, the world may seem like a dream or seem to go on separate from them. People and things that once brought happiness evoke nothing at all. This state could pass quickly or linger for a while; it's the body's way of offering protection from overwhelming emotions. With time, feelings and connections will return.
For many, the numbness begins to wear off after the first anniversary of your child's death, and then true reality can hit very hard. Many parents say that the second year is the most difficult.
Take time off from work...or not.
ReplyDeleteSome parents find the thought of returning to work unbearable while others prefer to throw themselves into the daily activity and challenges that work offers. Find out what the bereavement policy is at your workplace before making your decision. Some companies also offer employees paid personal days or the opportunity to take an unpaid leave.
Don't allow fear of letting your company down force you to return to work before you're ready. According to the executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, companies lose about $225 billion a year due to reduced productivity as an after-effect of grief. "When someone we love dies, we lose the ability to concentrate or focus," Friedman said. "Your brain doesn't work right when your heart is broken."[2]
Turn to your faith if you can.
ReplyDeleteIf you find comfort in the beliefs, teachings and rituals of your faith, turn to them now to aid in your grief recovery. Know, too, that the loss of your child may damage your religious beliefs, and that's ok. In time, you may find that you're able to return to faith; either way, if you have been a person of faith, believe that God is big enough to handle your anger, rage and sorrow.
Delay decision making.
ReplyDeleteWait at least one year before making any major decisions. Don't sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted, and you can clearly see the options available to you.
Be careful of impulsive decision-making in daily life. Some people adopt a "Life is short" philosophy that propels them to take unnecessary risks in the pursuit of living their lives to the fullest. Monitor your behavior to be sure you're not engaging in potentially harmful activities.
Trust in time.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase "Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time. Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good ones, but at some point that will begin to change, and you'll come to cherish those memories. They'll bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. Grief is similar to a roller coaster or the ocean's tide.
Know that it's ok to take time off from grieving--to smile, laugh and enjoy life. This does not mean you're forgetting your child; that would be impossible.