Anger management tip 1: Explore what’s really behind your anger
If you’re struggling with out-of-control anger, you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well. Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings
In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, it is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger. Clues that there’s something more to your anger
You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability. You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger. Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control, never letting your guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you think you don’t, you may be using anger as a cover for them. You view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at things.
If you are uncomfortable with many emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to everything, it might do you some good to get back in touch with your feelings. Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt. Some Dynamics of Anger
We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down. We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think. We are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a child. We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't stand in ourselves. Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers. Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child. We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past. We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
I recall an old Zen master saying: "Your anger, depression, spite, or despair, so seemingly real and important right now; where will they have gone in a month, a week, or even a moment?"
Very intense emotions blind us to the future (1) and con us that now is all that matters. In fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious, we can even momentarily forget that there is even going to be a future. I'm reminded of one guy I worked with who'd stuffed an ice cream cone in his boss's face when he was enraged. This momentary action had huge and prolonged consequences on this man's life; particularly finances.
We've all said or done things we later regret simply because, for a time, we let ourselves be dictated by our own emotion. If you get angry, think to yourself: "How will I feel tomorrow if I lose my dignity and tell this person (I have to see everyday) that they have a face like a cow pat?" If you are anxious about some imminent event, say to yourself: "Wow, how am I going to feel tomorrow/next week when I look back at this?" Look beyond the immediate and you'll see the bigger picture and calm down, too. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
We all kid ourselves a little/a lot. "No, I'm really pleased for you! No, I really am!" (Arghhhhhhhh!)
Learn to observe your own attitudes and emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step to emotional control is to know when we are actually being emotional and also why.
If you catch yourself feeling unexpectedly strongly about something, ask yourself why. Controlling your emotions isn't about pretending they are not there. If you feel jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or greedy, label exactly how you are feeling in your own mind: "Okay, I don't like that I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling very envious!" Now you've admitted it to yourself.
The next step is to identify why you feel the way you do: "I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling envious of Bob because he's just been complimented for his work and I haven't!"
Being able to exercise this self-honesty means you don't have to resort to what a large proportion of the human race do. You won't have to 'rationalize'. We rationalize by kidding ourselves that we are angry with someone not because they have got a raise at work and we haven't, but because of 'their attitude towards us' or some other made up reason. Knowing what emotion you are feeling and being man or woman enough to identify the truth as to why you are feeling it means you're that much closer to doing something about it. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
We tend to assume that moods just 'happen to us' and, like storms, the best we can do is wait until they pass. But, unlike climatic storms, we can influence - even change - our moods without resorting to unhealthy means such as alcohol or drugs. Being able to manage and influence your own emotions is a powerful marker for good health, emotional maturity, and happiness.
One way to alter your mood is to instantly do something else. For example, if you feel flat and bored, continuing to watch uninteresting TV will deepen the mood. Switching it off and going for a walk in a new neighbourhood will inevitably change your mood. If you feel cross, consciously focus on three things in your life for which you can feel grateful. If you are anxious, start to imagine that what you are anxious about has already happened and gone much better than expected.
The important thing is just to do or think something different. Don't be passively carried along by the current of the mood. The quickest way to do this may be to simply imagine not feeling the way you are feeling. So if I'm feeling hacked off, I might close my eyes and take a few moments to strongly imagine feeling relaxed and comfortable and even in a good mood. This will, at the very least, neutralize the bad mood and may even put you in a good mood.
Next time you're in a bad mood, listen to this free audio session below and see to what extent you can change the mood. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
4) Observe how others deal effectively with their emotions
We can learn so much from other people (as long as we look to the right people to learn from!).
How do other 'emotionally skilled' people deal with their frustrations and difficulties? You could even ask them: "How do you keep so cool when you're presenting to all these people? Why doesn't that make you angry? How do you keep smiling after such setbacks?"
Their answers could actually change your life if you start to apply what you learn. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
Some people assume that emotions are 'all in your head', whereas actually all emotions are physical responses. Anger pushes heart rate and blood pressure up, which is why having an angry temperament is a predictor of heart disease (2); anxiety produces lots of physical changes; and even depression suppresses the immune system (3).
So part of changing your emotional state involves dealing directly with the physical changes. Physical changes are led by the way we breathe. For instance, anger and anxiety can only 'work' if we are breathing quicker with shallow breaths. Take time to:
Stop breathing for five seconds (to 'reset' your breath). Now breathe in slowly, focussing on your diaphragm, until your lungs are full of air. Then breathe out even more slowly (and whilst doing this, imagine that you are breathing pure rest and relaxation into your hands). Keep doing this and remember it's the out-breath that will calm everything down.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
Think of emotion as a strong but stupid being that sometimes needs your guidance and direction. We need some emotion to motivate us, but it needs to be the right emotion at the right time applied in the right way. The more emotional we become, the stupider we become (4). This is because emotions want us to react blindly and physically rather than to think or be objective and rational.
Being objective and rational when a lion was attacking wouldn't have been great from an evolutionary point of view - because it would have slowed us down. But much of modern life needs measured calm thought rather than blind and sloppy emotional responses.
If you force the thinking part of your brain to work when you start to feel emotional, then you can dilute and subdue the rampaging emotional part. You can do this by simply forcing yourself to remember three names of other students you went to school with or even running through the alphabet in your head. Try it - because it really will work. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
We experience counterproductive emotions for different reasons. Maybe we have never learnt to control ourselves or perhaps we are living in such a way that makes it more likely we'll experience emotional problems.
Every organism, from amoeba to antelope and from bluebell flower to blue whale, has needs. And so do you. If these needs aren't met, then the organism will suffer. You have very basic needs for food, sleep, shelter, and water; if these needs aren't met properly, you will feel more emotional - no doubt. But you also have emotional needs.
To be emotionally healthy, a person needs to:
Feel safe and secure; feel they have safe territory. Regularly give and receive quality attention. Feel a sense of influence and control over their life. Feel part of a wider community. Enjoy friendship, fun, love, and intimacy with significant people. Feel a sense of status; basically, feel they have a recognizable role in life. This also connects to a sense of competence and achievement. Feel stretched but not stressed to avoid stagnation, boredom, and to enhance self-esteem and a sense of status in life.
When these are met adequately, we then feel our life has meaning and purpose. Not meeting basic needs leaves us feeling that life is pointless and meaningless and will leave us wide open to emotional problems.
When you live in a way that, to some extent, meets all or most of the above needs, then you'll enjoy greater emotional stability and control. Knowing what you need in life is the first step to creating 'spare capacity' to focus beyond your emotions. And you can see how not meeting the need for feeling secure or getting enough attention or feeling connected to people around you could cause you emotional problems. Really think about these needs and gradually pursue activities that are likely to help you fulfil them.
In this way, you'll begin to feed the right tiger with the right amount of the right foods. - See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
Anger management tip 1: Explore what’s really behind your anger
ReplyDeleteIf you’re struggling with out-of-control anger, you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well.
Anger is often a cover-up for other feelings
In order to get your needs met and express your anger in appropriate ways, you need to be in touch with what you are really feeling. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many situations is anger, it is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger.
Clues that there’s something more to your anger
You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by being the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings of failure and vulnerability.
You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger. Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control, never letting your guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you think you don’t, you may be using anger as a cover for them.
You view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at things.
If you are uncomfortable with many emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an angry one-note response to everything, it might do you some good to get back in touch with your feelings. Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.
Some Dynamics of Anger
We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
We are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a child.
We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't stand in ourselves.
Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
Source: Get Your Angries Out
1) Control your emotions by looking ahead
ReplyDeleteI recall an old Zen master saying: "Your anger, depression, spite, or despair, so seemingly real and important right now; where will they have gone in a month, a week, or even a moment?"
Very intense emotions blind us to the future (1) and con us that now is all that matters. In fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious, we can even momentarily forget that there is even going to be a future. I'm reminded of one guy I worked with who'd stuffed an ice cream cone in his boss's face when he was enraged. This momentary action had huge and prolonged consequences on this man's life; particularly finances.
We've all said or done things we later regret simply because, for a time, we let ourselves be dictated by our own emotion. If you get angry, think to yourself: "How will I feel tomorrow if I lose my dignity and tell this person (I have to see everyday) that they have a face like a cow pat?" If you are anxious about some imminent event, say to yourself: "Wow, how am I going to feel tomorrow/next week when I look back at this?" Look beyond the immediate and you'll see the bigger picture and calm down, too.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
2) Get to know yourself
ReplyDeleteWe all kid ourselves a little/a lot. "No, I'm really pleased for you! No, I really am!" (Arghhhhhhhh!)
Learn to observe your own attitudes and emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step to emotional control is to know when we are actually being emotional and also why.
If you catch yourself feeling unexpectedly strongly about something, ask yourself why. Controlling your emotions isn't about pretending they are not there. If you feel jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or greedy, label exactly how you are feeling in your own mind: "Okay, I don't like that I'm feeling this way, but I'm feeling very envious!" Now you've admitted it to yourself.
The next step is to identify why you feel the way you do: "I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling envious of Bob because he's just been complimented for his work and I haven't!"
Being able to exercise this self-honesty means you don't have to resort to what a large proportion of the human race do. You won't have to 'rationalize'. We rationalize by kidding ourselves that we are angry with someone not because they have got a raise at work and we haven't, but because of 'their attitude towards us' or some other made up reason. Knowing what emotion you are feeling and being man or woman enough to identify the truth as to why you are feeling it means you're that much closer to doing something about it.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
3) Change your mood; do something different
ReplyDeleteWe tend to assume that moods just 'happen to us' and, like storms, the best we can do is wait until they pass. But, unlike climatic storms, we can influence - even change - our moods without resorting to unhealthy means such as alcohol or drugs. Being able to manage and influence your own emotions is a powerful marker for good health, emotional maturity, and happiness.
One way to alter your mood is to instantly do something else. For example, if you feel flat and bored, continuing to watch uninteresting TV will deepen the mood. Switching it off and going for a walk in a new neighbourhood will inevitably change your mood. If you feel cross, consciously focus on three things in your life for which you can feel grateful. If you are anxious, start to imagine that what you are anxious about has already happened and gone much better than expected.
The important thing is just to do or think something different. Don't be passively carried along by the current of the mood. The quickest way to do this may be to simply imagine not feeling the way you are feeling. So if I'm feeling hacked off, I might close my eyes and take a few moments to strongly imagine feeling relaxed and comfortable and even in a good mood. This will, at the very least, neutralize the bad mood and may even put you in a good mood.
Next time you're in a bad mood, listen to this free audio session below and see to what extent you can change the mood.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
4) Observe how others deal effectively with their emotions
ReplyDeleteWe can learn so much from other people (as long as we look to the right people to learn from!).
How do other 'emotionally skilled' people deal with their frustrations and difficulties? You could even ask them: "How do you keep so cool when you're presenting to all these people? Why doesn't that make you angry? How do you keep smiling after such setbacks?"
Their answers could actually change your life if you start to apply what you learn.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
5) Change your physiology
ReplyDeleteSome people assume that emotions are 'all in your head', whereas actually all emotions are physical responses. Anger pushes heart rate and blood pressure up, which is why having an angry temperament is a predictor of heart disease (2); anxiety produces lots of physical changes; and even depression suppresses the immune system (3).
So part of changing your emotional state involves dealing directly with the physical changes. Physical changes are led by the way we breathe. For instance, anger and anxiety can only 'work' if we are breathing quicker with shallow breaths. Take time to:
Stop breathing for five seconds (to 'reset' your breath).
Now breathe in slowly, focussing on your diaphragm, until your lungs are full of air.
Then breathe out even more slowly (and whilst doing this, imagine that you are breathing pure rest and relaxation into your hands).
Keep doing this and remember it's the out-breath that will calm everything down.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
6) Use your noggin
ReplyDeleteThink of emotion as a strong but stupid being that sometimes needs your guidance and direction. We need some emotion to motivate us, but it needs to be the right emotion at the right time applied in the right way. The more emotional we become, the stupider we become (4). This is because emotions want us to react blindly and physically rather than to think or be objective and rational.
Being objective and rational when a lion was attacking wouldn't have been great from an evolutionary point of view - because it would have slowed us down. But much of modern life needs measured calm thought rather than blind and sloppy emotional responses.
If you force the thinking part of your brain to work when you start to feel emotional, then you can dilute and subdue the rampaging emotional part. You can do this by simply forcing yourself to remember three names of other students you went to school with or even running through the alphabet in your head. Try it - because it really will work.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf
7) Create spare capacity in your life
ReplyDeleteWe experience counterproductive emotions for different reasons. Maybe we have never learnt to control ourselves or perhaps we are living in such a way that makes it more likely we'll experience emotional problems.
Every organism, from amoeba to antelope and from bluebell flower to blue whale, has needs. And so do you. If these needs aren't met, then the organism will suffer. You have very basic needs for food, sleep, shelter, and water; if these needs aren't met properly, you will feel more emotional - no doubt. But you also have emotional needs.
To be emotionally healthy, a person needs to:
Feel safe and secure; feel they have safe territory.
Regularly give and receive quality attention.
Feel a sense of influence and control over their life.
Feel part of a wider community.
Enjoy friendship, fun, love, and intimacy with significant people.
Feel a sense of status; basically, feel they have a recognizable role in life. This also connects to a sense of competence and achievement.
Feel stretched but not stressed to avoid stagnation, boredom, and to enhance self-esteem and a sense of status in life.
When these are met adequately, we then feel our life has meaning and purpose.
Not meeting basic needs leaves us feeling that life is pointless and meaningless and will leave us wide open to emotional problems.
When you live in a way that, to some extent, meets all or most of the above needs, then you'll enjoy greater emotional stability and control. Knowing what you need in life is the first step to creating 'spare capacity' to focus beyond your emotions. And you can see how not meeting the need for feeling secure or getting enough attention or feeling connected to people around you could cause you emotional problems. Really think about these needs and gradually pursue activities that are likely to help you fulfil them.
In this way, you'll begin to feed the right tiger with the right amount of the right foods.
- See more at: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/#sthash.98ueSdFK.dpuf